The Anger Management

Do not say, “I cannot help having a bad temper.” Friend, you must help it. Pray God to help you to overcome it at once; for either you must kill it, or it will kill you. You cannot carry a bad temper into heaven.
-Charles H. Spurgeon-

In my Christian Walk, the one thing that keeps me weak, the one that keeps me backpedaling, and prevents me from growing rapidly is The Rage, The Attitude, The Bad Temper, or as I like to call it,   “The Anger Management.”

Proverbs 8:13 – The Living Bible 
If anyone respects and fears God, he will hate evil. For wisdom hates pride, arrogance, corruption, and deceit of every kind.

I want to share a confession with you today; that is, when plans, circumstances, or outcomes are not going my way, I get easily agitated. It is common for me to react before thinking; which then results in anger, rage, and often times, saying or doing things that are not in my best interest, therefore stealing my joy and that of others. This was the reason for my sinful behavior before I came to know Jesus Christ, and accepted Him as my Lord and personal Savior. The problem, however, is that I continue to lose my temper, get easily triggered and get angry quite easily as a result.

The Lord has worked on and taken away many of my struggles, many of my sins, and He continues to work in my life to make me a better version of myself; for we are all a work in progress. But the anger; well I keep holding on to that one, I cannot seem to find the way to surrender it over to Him.
Why? Why have I not surrendered my anger to God, and why has He not worked on changing this? Why is my Anger Management so hard for me to cast over to the Lord and get rid of it? Well, I believe that a part of me wants it, because it is something that gives me a sense of control, of superiority, of power; some may even dare call it “Works of Pride.” But to control something on your own, is not always a good thing.

James 1:19-20 – New American Standard Bible 
​19- This you know, my beloved brethren. But everyone must be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger; 20- for the anger of man does not achieve the righteousness of God.

When I become angry, lose my temper, or go into rage mode, if I am observed or seen, especially by those who know that I am a Man of God, a Christian saved by Grace, I will then be portrayed as a “Fake Christian.” Since everything we do when carrying the Christian label, that Christian title, reflects our faith. I even wonder, after the fact, how or why did I let it get to this point? I should have known better.

2 Timothy 3:1-5 – English Standard Version

​1– But understand this, that in the last days there will come times of difficulty. 2– For people will be lovers of self, lovers of money, proud, arrogant, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, 3– heartless, unappeasable, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not loving good, 4– treacherous, reckless, swollen with conceit, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, 5– having the appearance of godliness, but denying its power. Avoid such people.

“Anger is Evil and Evil causes Sin; Sin is against God’s Will. God’s will is for us to be like His Son, Jesus Christ.”

Light reveals that which has been hidden in darkness and it also provides good vibes that are needed for the giving of life. Darkness, however, refers to all that is against God. That is why in 1 John 1:1, the Apostle John says, “God is Light: in Him there is no darkness at all!”

Isaiah 9:2 – English Standard Version 

The people who walked in darkness have seen a great light; those who dwelt in a land of deep darkness, on them has light shone.

“Wherever shadows fall, light is nearby.”

On a personal note; when my wife and I would get into an argument, she would often point out how dramatic I would get; often times, referring to me as a “Drama Queen.” No doubt that it is hurtful, but I guess I brought it on myself.

Here are a few ways my Anger Management has won the battle for me. It is unfortunate that Prayer or Submissions has not been the resolution in either circumstance. 

• My anger has been triggered when I feel I have been taken advantage of. Feeling that people do not appreciate what I do or provide. Even though I know I have every right to take or do what I want, I feel like I need to ask for what I want. 

Thus, it sounds like I get angry when my pride is challenged, or when I feel I am not appreciated or respected for what I do.

1 Thessalonians 5:12-13 – Contemporary English Version 
12- My friends, we ask you to be thoughtful of your leaders who work hard and tell you how to live for the Lord. 13- Show them great respect and love because of their work. Try to get along with each other.

• On days when I am doing most of the work at my job, while I see my boss sitting there in his chair playing on his cell phone, I tend to get agitated. There have been many instances where I would notice a car drive by our parking lot or see a customer walking towards the entrance door and I would literally walk away from my work area or pretend I have something to do and do not engage myself in my work. Basically so that my boss would have to put his cell-phone down, get up and attend to the customer. For me, throwing an emotional tantrum is the most effective way to convey my message, which is, “I’m tired of doing all the work!” Forgetting that he is still my boss and in a sense, I am not respecting my superior. 

It may have been true what my wife said about me being a Drama Queen.

Here is a question; what example am I setting for myself and for my creator, maker, Heavenly Father, if my boss sees this behavior and realizes what I am doing (him knowing that I am a Christian)? Can he judge my character based on how hard I work, how forgiving and loving I am, how devoted and committed I am, or will he base it on how immature and petty I am? What about from the perspective of a religious person, as a follower and believer of God, which again, my boss is aware of? If that is the case, does he then question my beliefs? Does he have the right to question my faith, my walk, my growth? “He would have every right at this moment to say and call me a hypocrite. “Are you taught to have a bad attitude at church, to be irritable, disrespectful, immature, and to be full of rage?”

Growing in Christ allows us to be seen in a different light.
As Christians, everything we do from the moment of our proclamation onward, no longer reflects on us, but on Jesus Christ, who is the center of our lives. We have just confessed to someone that we are no longer in the dark. As you view us now, you are seeing how the Lord has made us, how He is changing us, and how He is transforming us, how we have been made a “New Creation.” It is Christ in me that you see if you see me glowing. As you see, He can bring light to someone who has walked in darkness. His Holiness has given us a New Light and a New Life; how are you representing Him?

Luke 11: 33-36 – English Standard Version
33– “No one after lighting a lamp puts it in a cellar or under a basket, but on a stand, so that those who enter may see the light. 34- Your eye is the lamp of your body. When your eye is healthy, your whole body is full of light, but when it is bad, your body is full of darkness. 35- Therefore be careful lest the light in you be darkness. 36- If then your whole body is full of light, having no part dark, it will be wholly bright, as when a lamp with its rays gives you light.”

• How do you envision a Christian being represented? As someone who gets easily angered? Who uses blasphemous, vulgar, and naughty language? Someone who gives the finger to someone who cuts them off on the road? Are you someone who yells and calls names when someone yells at you or accuses you of something? Perhaps someone who turns to sin or turns back to sinful ways as a way of releasing tension? A person who drinks wine or alcohol to ‘control their temper’; a person who watches indecent movies or listens to inappropriate music? Maybe a person that starts to gossip and stir up malice? Or quite possibly, a Drama Queen!

Ephesians 4:31-32 – Christian Standard Bible

31– Let all bitterness, anger and wrath, shouting and slander be removed from you, along with all malice. 32– And be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving one another, just as God also forgave you in Christ. 

• When I started to write about Anger Management, I was going to vent about my wife. We were in the middle of a rough week and things were being said that eventually had caused me to walk away from her, because I knew in the situation I was in, I could have said things without thinking and would more than likely regret later. Had I said what I was feeling, I would have verbally and emotionally hurt my wife.

Once you say something, especially before thinking or being careful, it’s easy for the sender to forget it, but the receiver never will.

If you are the apologizing type, you would be lucky if they told you that they forgave you, but forget, forget about it. Forgetting what you said or did to them is not going to happen, it won’t happen. You, I, we have just broken something that can never be repaired and will never be forgotten; which is someone’s feelings, someone’s heart.

There are many occasions when I get angry with my wife over petty things. At the time of the dispute, I considered them valuable and of high importance, and my way was always right. I believed that, at least according to my ego. She then attacks me with words that often ignite The Anger Management; and the rage to want to explode, but at the same time, it gives me a smack of reality. That is when she says, “Yeah, now go and preach and tell everyone what a great Christian you are!”
While it’s hurtful and yes, even judgmental, it is also a reminder.

My wife is not a saved, she does not have a relationship with the Lord, so in everything I say or do, she is going to see The Church; she is going to see my Small Group, Hope Group, my Ministry and everything else I do that represents God.

I am married to this woman, who is shy and insecure, but also caring, passionate and very loving; this is the woman whom God gave me. She has the most incredible smile and laughter. This wonderful, clever and creative woman, who decorates our home for every holiday and enjoys crafting. She enjoys our long drives and I just love to see her get emotional when we are watching a TV show or a movie, even though I often tease her when she cries (not in a mean way). This amazing woman who is dedicated to being a loving and caring mother to our two wonderful boys.

In the same scenario, I would be the husband that God gave to her. I know I have put her through so much pain; she might even word it like, “I have put her through hell and back,” but this man is still here for her and with her. My love for her continues to grow today, tomorrow, and forever. This man, who loves to make her laugh, enjoys cooking for her, and even enjoys, more-so, hearing and seeing her reaction when she is full and unable to eat another bite. Her husband, who laughs at her sadness when she cries after watching a movie or TV show, and who loves it when she cries with overwhelming emotions after hearing my writings, my podcasts, or my testimony, (I believe she is my biggest fan).

We have our struggles as a couple, but we need to learn, instead of getting angry and demanding better treatment, instead of demanding respect, we need to put the other person’s feelings first. If I feel I am going to get upset because she won’t let me watch something on TV, why not use this opportunity to share The Gospel with her? It is important to remember that she is not saved. Wouldn’t it be better if I loved her with the Love of Jesus at that very moment instead of raging and going into my Anger Management?

Ephesians 5:25-26 – Christian Standard Bible 
25- Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself for her 26- to make her holy, cleansing her with the washing of water by the word.

Ephesians 5:22-23 – Christian Standard Bible 
22- Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord, 23- because the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church. He is the Savior of the body.

Husbands, we are commanded to love our wives as Jesus loved the church. It was she (the church) who hurt Jesus in every way, yet He gave himself up for her even to the point of death. As husbands, we are instructed to love Her (Our Wives) as Jesus loved the church endlessly and selflessly, with no regret or remorse, with no compromise. The Lord will hold us accountable for how we treat our wives since we are to love and respect them.

It is my hope that my wife has seen the changes in my life recently; that she realizes that I am not the same person I used to be. Thanks to God’s grace, I am a lot different, and I believe I am better. I am not perfect, but I am not trying to be either. I may never be a perfect man, a perfect husband, a perfect father, but I trust, believe, and live my life for a perfect Almighty King and Creator. I am being molded into the person that the Perfect Father wants me to be and had planned for me to become.

My wife married an imperfect man and imperfect I will always be, but I have and always will be capable of loving her, providing for her, and trying my hardest to make her happy in the most perfect way I can.

Ephesians 5:20-21 – The Living Bible 
20- Always give thanks for everything to our God and Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ. 21- Honor Christ by submitting to each other.

My actions and the way in which I present myself will show what the author of my life is doing in me. If I go back to my old ways, if I fall to my temptations, if I commit the sins that I did before I was saved by God’s Mercy and Grace, then she will think that I was pretending the entire time, that I had not changed, and that I was hiding my true self. Here is that word again, being a “Fake Christian.”

It is easy for evil to make people see your smallest sin as your biggest fault. Sins are sins, regardless of how big or how small they may seem. Sin does not have a level bar. When I say see your smallest sin, I mean; let’s use my wife as an example. If her and I get into a heated argument, and I tell her to shut up, the fact that I tell her to shut up may seem like a small thing to me and may not be considered a sin to some, but it can be huge in the matter, and evil will use it to further attack her. Let me be clear; it is never appropriate to tell your spouse to shut up, it’s like calling them stupid out of rage or hatred, it should never be said or done. As soon as I tell her to shut up in a harsh and loud voice, the battle is on and evil will control this matter, but as soon as I say ‘I’m Sorry, may you forgive me’ or ignore it all together, and avoid harsh words, the Lord will control the situation. My love for her and what the Lord has done in my life have taught me to be a loving husband and a child of His, the Great I Am, even if I am wrong.

1 Peter 3:7 – Contemporary English Version 
If you are a husband, you should be thoughtful of your wife. Treat her with honor, because she isn’t as strong as you are, and she shares with you in the gift of life. Then nothing will stand in the way of your prayers.

Consider this challenge: when you feel yourself getting upset, take a moment to think before you act. As a result, you will avoid saying or doing something you will regret, become a more mature communicator, and thus demonstrate God’s love.

I know I need to put this into practice, but I also need to pray for guidance and strength from the Holy Spirit. In my marriage, most of the problems stem from a lack of communication. Whenever my wife upsets me, I make it obvious that I am upset by going to bed early, ignoring her, or just showing my frustration in my face.

Whenever we argue or quarrel, I walk away, grab my Bible, and sit in my office to read scriptures or do my Bible Journaling, prepare for my podcasts or live videos, or do my Small Group homework. In spite of this, even though I am doing a good thing, I’m still walking away from the problem, I am not fixing it, and I’m still trying to get my point across, which is not how God works.

Conflict cannot always be avoided by giving in to everyone; it is just not humane to do so. If you are right in a matter, but create a heated debate, a fight, and do it with evil intentions, you are wrong. Discuss what you believe to be true if you know it to be true. Be mature when speaking your mind, so you don’t become aggravated and find a reason to get into a conflict with the other person.

It is very difficult to avoid arguments and quarrels in a relationship (especially in a marriage) and my wife and I fail at it nearly all the time, but it is also possible. The situation is not discussed, nor are we sat and prayed over it.

Despite being united in Holy Matrimony, husbands and wives remain two separate people who will always have disagreements and arguments simply because they are different. They still love each other, it’s just that they’re still learning to grow in love with each other.

An old saying, or perhaps a woman quoted it, says, “A Happy Wife, A Happy Life.” Well, I definitely know that to be true despite my reluctance to admit it. Whenever I treat my wife with respect, love, and appreciation, she sees it and acknowledges it, but do I feel and see it the same way?

Are there any quotes for men that say, “A Happy Husband, a Happy…?” Yeah! I have nothing. It’s because we are Men, and we are made to be strong. God created us to provide for the household, to be the head.

1 Timothy 3: 1-7 – New International Version 
1- Here is a trustworthy saying: Whoever aspires to be an overseer desires a noble task. 2- Now the overseer is to be above reproach, faithful to his wife, temperate, self-controlled, respectable, hospitable, able to teach, 3- not given to drunkenness, not violent but gentle, not quarrelsome, not a lover of money. 4- He must manage his own family well and see that his children obey him, and he must do so in a manner worthy of full respect. 5- (If anyone does not know how to manage his own family, how can he take care of God’s church?) 6- He must not be a recent convert, or he may become conceited and fall under the same judgment as the devil. 7- He must also have a good reputation with outsiders, so that he will not fall into disgrace and into the devil’s trap.

Because I suffer from Bi-Polar and depression medically, it is easy for me to get into an episode of Anger Management. Many of the issues I had before becoming a Born-Again, saved by Grace man, have been resolved by Abba Father. In my first book, I said, “I have sinned, will sin again, being a Christian doesn’t mean I am perfect.” I still fall back and still sin, I am a sinner by nature.

As a starting point, I need to apply the following three steps to my life:

• The first thing I need to do is submit my anger to the Lord, trusting and having the Faith that He will handle it.
• Secondly, I must learn to pray, not only for myself, but also for the person whom the issue, quarrel, or conflict is against. When I feel I want to yell, scream, swear or even say something that I might regret, I must pray.
• Lastly, is to love, as the Lord continued to love the church even after they yelled, spit at, and laughed at Him; so should we love the person we are in conflict with. 

Do you remember when Jesus Christ cried out to God as He hung on the Cross?

Luke 23:34 – New International Version 
“Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.”

The fact that Jesus Christ can forgive and yet continue to love those who have wronged Him, how are we any better at holding grudges, expressing hatred, and showing harsh temper?

When we resolve conflict, whether it’s in our marriage or just with others in general, we honor God. By settling it without regrets, we honor the Lord. If I can prove to myself that I can show just a little bit of Christ in my life, if I can do something out of the ordinary where my wife, family, or anyone else can witness my reaction and see Jesus Christ in me, then I have truly allowed Jesus to take hold of the matter and have shown to others as well as myself that I am truly living in Him.

The work I do is a part of my calling. Rather than live for and through myself, I live for, with, and through Jesus Christ, the Light of our World.

When you look up Quarrel in the dictionary, the first thing you see is,
A reason for a dispute or argument.

When you look up Anger in the dictionary, the first thing you see is,
A strong feeling of displeasure or hostility.

I’m not sure about you, but I would rather have a sense of Love, Forgiveness, and Praise in my life than to have strong feelings of displeasure or reasons for arguing and disputes.

The meaning of Worship in the dictionary says,
The ceremonies, prayers, or other religious forms by which this love is expressed. To honor and love as a deity.

I don’t know about you, but I find this more appealing and fulfilling. 

In Conclusion; Anger Management is something we need to surrender to the Lord today, right now. Feel His calmness and His love as He soothes your anger, vengeance, hostility, and hatred; and fills you with peace, gentleness, love, and forgiveness. As followers of The Lord, we are commanded to love our enemies more than we love ourselves, so that we may have a tender heart and learn to love them more than ourselves.  

Right now, there is a great deal of envy, hatred, frustration, fear, aggravation and rage and in this world. Friendships, families, and even churches are too divided. As Christians, we need not only to set an example of Jesus Christ, but also to be an example of Him, for we may be the only Christ people know or see. Again, I ask, how are you representing Jesus Christ? 

Be Blessed and Be A Blessing

You Are Loved.

Willie Torres Jr. 1/31/2023